Wow it has been a long while since I have posted. I guess that goes with my motivation. Basically I have had none. I have found that Running has been an important part of my life, but when I am struggling, or unable to do what I feel I should, I give up. Yep just give up. I feel that I am never going to run again, why bother trying. Part of the frustration is the fact that I was gaining weight while running, but I was watching what I was eating and eating healthy. Come on who gains weight when they exercise. I also hate the "muscle weighs more than fat" excuse, because that is just an excuse to me. I guess I was focusing on the number on the scale, and not the bigger picture.
First yes, I do want the number on the scale to change. I want to have that number on the scale to be 150, meaning between 20 - 30 lbs left go lose. When I have lost between 120 - 130 already that should be easy right? Not so much. It is disheartening that I am struggling to lose that last bit of weight. But when I take a breath and look at the bigger picture, something happens, something changes. First of all before I started all of this I was in a size 28, yep 28 wow that is big, now I can fit into a 10... 18 sizes that is amazing. Secondly I am able to try on mediums, and I was in 2xl or 3xl. Both of those are amazing accomplishments.
Looking over the 2010 year, I set a goal to run a 5k, and that scared me. How was I supposed to run 3.1 miles. I was over 200 lbs when I started this year. How was I supposed to get out on the road and run. I had only run on the treadmill, and running outside scared me. I have accomplished many 5K. Actually one of these days I will count how many I have done. Not only that I have run 1 10K; a 10 miler, and 2 1/2 marathons. So I was terrified of running at 5K and ended up running 2 1/2 marathons by the end of the year.
Looking at all of this I never considered myself a runner. I mean a runner is fast right? A runner was skinny. Neither of these I had. I averaged a 9 minute mile, and still do. Runners have a 7 minute mile or less. I might have got out and run almost every day, but that didn't mean anything. That mindset didn't help much. Looking back, I now see I am a runner. I might not be fast. I many never come in first or place in my age group, however, I am a runner. I have accomplished so much, that so many people would only dream to accomplish with my running career.
Part of the other issue I have that is setting me back is that I still see myself as FAT! Yep, I still see myself as the 300 pound girl, trying to look skinny. I look at my legs and think wow those are so big, and don't get me started on my butt. My stomach is terrible. I know that I have lost lots of weight, and have lots of extra skin, but I will never be "skinny" in the fact that I will have a flat stomach with out surgery, just too much extra skin there. I still look in the mirror and see the fat face looking back at me. I look at clothes, and think I need to go to the plus size. In a way I feel I don't deserve to be anything but fat.
The hardest part of weight loss is to change your mental image. The second hardest part is to fix the issue that allowed you to become that way in the first place. Mine is stress eating. I stress out and I turn to food. When I am able to get to the gym, I am able to over come that, but when I am not able to, watch out I want chocolate, bad! I also get down on myself, and when I start feeling depressed I eat. It has a calming effect to eat, until I am done, and then I am more depressed and eat again. The only way I can fight this is by hitting the gym. The days I work out something strange happens, I am confident and I can tell myself that I am worth it.
These are all battles I fight every day. Getting out and running, I battle, because I can find hundreds of things that I need to do. Excuses are my friend. But when I am able to forget the excuses, I am able to not only run but accomplish so much more that day. I struggle every day. Some days I lose, but most I win. I might not like being at the gym, but the feeling I get when I am done is amazing. The same with every race I run. The feeling I have when I come across the finish line is one of the most amazing feelings I have.
I need to set my goals for 2011. One goal I have, or wish or dream is to go to the biggest loser ranch or even to fitness ridge. I would love to step foot into that gym, and experience a last chance work out. I know it is going to suck, but it is a dream to feel that, and know that I am so much stronger that I ever imagined. Another dream is to meet Bob and Jillian along with a cast member. Every one of them has touched my live, and made me see that I can do this. I may never be a contestant, but because of this show I know that I can do this.
I know that I will take control of my future. I will continue to eat healthy and continue to run. I am excited, and nervous that January 10, 2011 I start training for my first marathon. Wow, that is unbelievable. I am going to run a marathon. I am going to accomplish something that I never thought possible. I have already done that this year so many times, and I am going to continue that in 2011.
I might have stumbled this past month or 2 but that is life. I know that I am able to pull myself back up, because that is what I am doing right now. I am starting off slowly, and I am taking the little steps I need to to pull myself back up and wipe myself off and start over. I will achieve one goal in 2011 and that is to reach my goal weight. By 12-31-2011 I will be able to proudly say I am 150 lbs, I have lost 150 lbs and I am healthy, and NEVER going back!